Welcome mamasanta07!
I don't know how long you've used, or how many times you have fallen and gotten back up, but the important thing is that have you have gotten back up. I myself spent my first year and a half falling down so many times that I lost count. All those failures though have turned into "stepping stones to success." I am a recovering alcoholic and "hardcore" drug addict with close to 30 years of self-destruction to learn from. I've come to realize in recovery that in that first year and a half it wasn't so much a case of relapse as it was the fact that I simply wasn't done yet. I had what I can only call an insane desire to sit in my shame, guilt, anger, and self-pity. Today, to my great relief, I have discovered recovery has the ability to heal and restore sanity. Honestly, recovery is not exactly what I expected it to be...thank God...because my expectations have always tended to be a little bit warped...lol.
A wise Jedi Master once said; "Do, or do not. There is no try."