Hi mikeb:
I am pretty new to this stuff- I just found out abut my AH about a month ago. Since then, my life has been spinning in its own orbit. I so thoroughly idnetify with your post about snooping. I agree with you- it's kind of like a catch-22. I want to trust but I can't so I snoop, etc... I feel really bad about snooping too. Just recently, I mistakenly erased an email from my husband's account and felt pathetic and horrible. At times I felt as though I couldn't help it. I didn't want to be lied to again, I didn't want to feel stupid, I wanted to prove to myself that I am not going to "get caught out there again with blinders on." But in my heart, it still didn't feel right.
I decided to admit to my husband that I had snooped, that I was wrong for snooping and that I want constructive communication to play a larger role in our relationship. He understood where I was coming from, wasn't angry, and surprisingly, a little bit of honesty went a long way for me. I felt relieved. I was ready to hop on that scale in the bathroom utterly CONVINCED that that sort of relief had to be accompanied by some measurable weight loss. (Just in time for the summer
)
While I don't know the specifics of your situation, I found that if I wanted honesty I had to be ready to give honesty. I don't feel that I would have as much of a leg to stand on if I only criticized and blamed my AH for lying and not be willing to be truthful myself.
Hope this makes some sort of sense....
frida