First off, never apologize for coming here for help! (bonks you!)
Always nice to meet someone new, even given the circumstances that we're all brought here (usually out of pain or suffering.)
Second, if he's hiding it, it's just one sign that it's not recreational. I think some people can use recreationally, but I feel it's playing with fire. I know people who smoke pot once a month with a group of friends. I know a few people who use E once every other month. They don't use it all the time, but I see them as being one very very very small step (a hair's width) from becoming an addict. Something bad happens in life, something stressful and it becomes a failsafe to feel better: boom, into a cycle, into an addiction. There's a reason why lab-rats choose cocaine and meth and heroin over food in the little tests. It's made to be addictive.
A question, though, is this crack cocaine? Cocaine only comes in powder form, right? I thought "rock" meant crack. Not that it's any better or worse, I'm just curious.
My husband (a recovering meth addict) used marijuana a LOT to take the edge off the meth. Meth made him twitchy, wired, tweaky. The pot brought him down to normal. I also know people who drink a lot and get tired then use coke to give them a lift. For some reason I think of Elvis when I hear about this cycle. He needed uppers during the day and downers at night to sleep. (anyway, back on topic.)
It sounds like you are definitely on the right track with setting boundaries. No matter what he says he can do or handle, he has to understand that you don't want it in the house. And he has to respect that. Period. End of story. You could say that little green men told you not to have it in the house. As your mate, he should honor your request NO MATTER the reason. In this case, having children is enough. Kids + drugs in the house = bad. No amount of justification on his part or no amount of him telling you, "I can handle it," will change that. That's a deal-breaking, 100%.
I know he'll just tell me the same things it sounds every other addict does: "why do I have a problem with this if he can handle it? If he's doing everything he should be doing?" he has also told me point blank he likes to do the drugs and he's not going to stop so I need to "deal with it".
And then I feel like it really *IS* my problem, not his. What a mess. I'm furious with him for doing this to me and the kids.
That's what an addict counts on. He needs to be able to convince himself that he's not an addict. And he needs you to believe it too. It's a problem because you say it's a problem, that's why. Because it's illegal, that's why. Because it's a danger, that's why. It's cocaine. Just because he's found a way to remove all the negativity in his OWN mind doesn't mean you have to follow suit. How would he feel if one of your children started doing it? Would he be against that? If so, why is it ok for him?
He's not doing everything he should be doing. He's not living a clean, healthy life. If he wants to know what drugs can do to a body, he can talk to my 38 year old recovering husband who had a heart attack at some point in his life due to drugs and has high blood pressure now. It's poison. He's putting it inside him.
I guess you need to decide what's ok and what's not. If he's loaded all the time and you can't trust him, you are a single parent to your children. You can't leave him alone with the kids. You can't trust him to be sober. If he won't quit, can you live with him always knowing he will be this way? That you cannot rely on him for anything but a paycheck?
If you need someone to tell you that he has a problem, then I have no issue doing that. HE HAS A PROBLEM. HE has the problem. Not you. Him. He's doing something illegal. He's doing something that brings harm into the home. He's bringing a substance into your house that your kids could find and use. You almost stepped on a razor blade. He might take it outside the house, but chances are he'll just find a better hiding spot if he learns you know of his.
And if you found his hiding spot, how long until your kids find it? The more he uses, the more careless he will become in hiding it. The addicts I know tend to get lazy in hiding their problems over time.
The bottom line is that he's risking his marriage and his kids in order to get high. How is that ok?
OH, and finally. WELCOME to the board! And HUGE HUGS! Please hang in there and do LOTS of reading here. Pull up a seat and grab a coffee or a soda or (if you're like me) some hot coco!
:ghug3