I did that same thing a few times in the end, before that final horrible day in January when I woke up and knew this time was different. This time the binge was taking me to my death, I was absolutely convinced. Being terrified to go back to who I was is keeping me sober. I don't have it in me to keep coming back again & again. I still fantasize that a drink will calm me, somehow magically make everything ok - but I know better. It's not for us, Least, it's not an option anymore. We are with you on this journey. Proceed!