I certainly know what its like to know the marriage is over but too afraid to actually end it.
I’m sure you did want him to find out about the other guy, that way he ends the marriage which makes it emotionally easier on you.
It sounds like your husband is controlling, it sounds like he’s been controlling his own fears for many years. If through out your marriage he always accused you of having affairs, that’s his own insecurity at work.
If you have told him you don’t love him anymore and want to end the marriage of course he is not going to accept it. And the longer you allow him that kind of control over you the longer you will stay and the longer you will remain very un-happy. There is nothing worse then feeling forced into staying with someone when all you want to do it get as far away from them as possible. He’s going to cling tighter and tighter out of his own fear of losing that control over you and fear of you leaving.
I went through this with my ex husband, I stayed far longer then I should have. I gave him so much control and power over me it made me sick, physically and emotionally until I wanted to die. When he knew I wanted to leave his grip tightened so strong around me I felt him taking the life right out of me.
There was no talking or bargaining or working things out, I was done, I had made up my mind long before I even spoke the words.
If I could offer any advise to anyone going through that I would simple say, GET OUT, TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN LIFE BEFORE HE SUCKS IT OUT OF YOU.
Get an attorney and stop all contact with him. Don’t allow him to bargain you down, talk you out of the decision you know is best for you and certainly don’t let him threaten you into staying, that’s more of a prison sentence for you then any form of a marriage.