Thank you all for your replies, first of all.
I can agree that maybe I am not facing reality, just avoiding issues. I don't think that I am trying to excuse my behavior, due to his bad behavior. I know what I have done is wrong. BUT, I KNOW that I wouldnt be in this predicament if it werent for his alcoholism. I stayed true in my heart for a long, long time, way longer than most would have. It wore me down and broke my heart over and over. And here I am. A guy, who has never hurt me, belittled me, degraded me, manipulated me, etc, gave me attention that I hadnt realized I missed so much. And I fell into it.
It's reassuring to know that I am not the only one that has felt this way, that I have somewhat normal reactions still. Part of me thinks deep down I wanted him to find out, so that he would leave me. Most of the time I think our relationship is too damaged to repair, but he is insistent on trying to make it work. My family and close friends say that they can tell I am done, over it. Its only when he corners me and pressures me that I think, ok, maybe one more try, I dont know. Ive told him that I am not in love with him, but he wont accept it. Ive asked for a separation but he wont have that either.
I am going to therapy on Friday. I hope it eventually leads me to the answers I need.