When there has been cheating, lying, using, etc. etc in a marriage and then you both decide to stay together and work on that marriage, you have to let go of the past other wise it will never work.
It’s hard to do, for many impossible, most don’t make it but the ones who do are the ones who forgive, put the past behind them and move into the present and plan for the future.
It doesn’t sound like you are any where near ready to forgive the past. Your daily habits and anxieties are based out of the past and until you can forgive fully and wipe the slate clean, you won’t be able to begin the future.
I would INVESTIGATE your codependency and focus on YOU during this re-building period of your lives.