I understand exactly how you feel. My ex addict boyfriend worked the 11 pm to 7 am shift. I would wait until he left for work and search everywhere. For drugs, phone numbers, anything. Because no matter how much he said he wasn't using. Things just didn't feel right. Sometimes I found things, sometimes not. How many times a week I did this depended on how edgy I felt.
The very last time was in August. I had my grandsons for the night. Per usual, the ex left for work. My grandbabies were sleeping. Yet agian, I'm going top to bottom thur the house. I mean literally. I'm standing on the kitchen counter going over the tops of the cabinets. When I hear this little, giggling. My oldest grandson was standing there giggling his little butt off at me.
The first thought I had was to order him sharply back to bed. But something made me stop and look at myself the way he saw me. Here's his nanny, up on the cabinets, in her nightgown, sweaty as a w***e in Sunday church, hair plastered, sticking up everywhere and filthy.
Of course, it was freaking funny. I climbed off the cabinets,grabbed Boogie and we rolled all over my kichten floor laughing our butts off. I realized then it didn't matter what my ex did. Sooner or later, I would find out. They don't hold their secrets long or well. I would find out when I found out. I would and could deal with it then.
That's what a 3 year little boy taught me early one summer morning. That was the last time I searched my house.