Hi Mike,
I know what you are going through, up untill recently Nancy Drew had nothing on me. I was sort of like Ann described a few posts ahead of this one. I had become so good at snooping and going through cell phone records and tracking his every move that I could make a new career being a PI.
What stopped me and what has kept me from doing this again? I had to take a step back and look at how unmanagable my life had become from snooping. It consumed my life. I was just waiting to find something AH was lying about. I would analyze everything AH did and even if he was telling the truth I was still convinced he was lying. To make a long story short, I was making my life and his a living hell. I was causing myself sensless anxiety, loss of sleep and just all around paranoia. It wasn't AH causing that, it was me.
When I snooped and found things, I would confront my AH and I would get a denial or a lie so what was the use of snooping in the first place. I didn't need to validate his drug use, I already knew the truth. Finding drugs wasn't going to change things.
And lastly, I really wanted to make my marriage work and I knew that in order to do that I had to set boundries for myself and invoke a little respect into the relationship even though I was getting none in return. I decided that I wouldent like it if AH went through my car, my bills, my purse or my wallet. It would be violating my personal space and not to mention be very disrespectful. So I decided to give the man a little dignity and respect and not go through his things. Some days I have to keep myself super busy in order to resist the temptation to snoop. But it works and the relationship between my AH and I is much better. He says he is clean, I have my doubts but his program and his sobriety are up to him, not me. If I could snoop him sober he would have been sober a long time ago.
What you are feeling and facing is normal. I think for me, I felt like snooping would be a way of stopping a problem before it happend or a way of protecting AH. In truth I had no control over what my AH did. All my snooping did was make him better at hiding things and me a better PI. A vicious circle that only resulted in pain and anguish.
You will see that in time, your need to snoop will go away. Since I have been working a program I have allowed my HP to take care of things. I know that my HP will show me what I need to know and I will know this without being the super slewth.