I stayed too long in a relationship too. 13 years. always broke and unable to work full time due to disability. The A had no physical limitations but usually was out of a job or spent all his money on "fun"
I was convinced that I would never make it on my own. I fought and fought and held onto the relationship because I loved him (?) and I was afraid of ending up on the street.
During those years i learned how to make due with pretty much nothing. He ended up walking out on me. I went so far into debt I will never get out but I didnt have to do that. I was a mess and did not care. Now I realize that learning how to live off so little primed me for being on my own.
I have nothing extravagant, nothing worth any real money, no savings, no anything. I do have a roof over my head and a bed i can sleep in any way I want to. Nobody telling me I am stupid and crazy and no scary drunk guy telling me I'm not good enough.
Sometimes I look back on all I did for "US" and get angry but more and more I look back and see that it was all for a reason. He was never going to "take care of me". And nobody will now. I have only myself and compared to some of the situations I have had to endure, coming home to my animals and watching whatever I want on tv, eating what i want for meals and having any art work I want on the walls is awesome!
It was not and is not easy but I swear if you get away from him I promise things will look better. It won't be over night but it can happen. You aren't stupid either. You are in the same place as alot of us are, were, or will be.
If I dont keep coming here it is very easy to forget what I have learned. I think when my A left he wanted me to curl up and die. I did fall apart and actually just recently pulled out of a very long and frightening depression. Coming to SR has helped me more than anything...even counseling because I can come here whenever I want. Oh yeah and its FREE!
I just bought "codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Addicted- Notes From the Belly of The Beast". The first book for the obvious reason that I am a codependent probably from birth and the second because it helps me to understand what addicts go through and how we really can't change them. The Second book is personal accounts of addicts and how they acted, how hey got sober etc. I like it.
I would suggest The first book and also googling codependency.
I always knew I was a codie but never really knew how hardcore it was. All I can say is if your gut tells you something please listen. Mine was always trying to tell me and I ignored it though I would not be here typing this and feeling like I might have a chance at a better life If I had not gone through what I did.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...I never would have believed that but I do now! Hang in there and dont worry about monetary things. you are right about selling your soul to the devil. I never thought of it that way but it really hit me. Thanks
I hope this makes sense and helps some.