queenteree

Hi Everyone, it's me again. Stupid me that sold her soul to the devil. I know, you are all thinking that I am the biggest fool around, serenity and being away from the chaos is more important than money, that this is what I asked for so just deal with it (and I am to the best of my ability). But what I need to know is where you all get your strength from to leave and leave sometimes pennyless and screwed over and still be happy.
You see, a while back I made the decision to stay with my AH as we had the house on the market, no takers, except if we would walk away with hardly any money, AH owes me money out of my inheritance that I put into the house (and stupidly did not write "loan to house" on checks), I paid off his truck with the promise of getting it back once he got his settlement, all this to the tune of about $30,000. He has still not gotten his settlement, so no money there, and we all know that an active A will fight you tooth and nail to screw you, so I wouldn't get any of that promised money. Also, 6 weeks ago, our dr. told him if he continued to drink, he would be dead in 6 mos. to a year, but then again, how does that dr. know.
This morning I was outside having coffee and it came to me, that I worked hard my whole life to have a loving family, nice home, nice car, etc. Nothing extravagant, just nice (which is what I have). Now I will lose it all to an A, and I can't seem to get passed that. But in the next thought, I realized that is what is meant by selling my soul to the devil. I'm thinking monetary things, and living in hell because of it. I want to break free of this bondage, and no matter how many meetings I go to, no matter how many spiritual books I read, I can't let go of this.
My son said to me this morning that the only hope for my AH is death, he will never be sober, so let's hope he goes quick. I told him that I was also thinking that when he dies, I will not grieve him as the man I loved and was in love with died a long time ago of alcoholism, and what's left is only a shell of a man, a pathetic, sad man, one who I don't care to know or care about.
I am not a money grubbing person by any means, I am truly not, never prayed or wished for money, don't really care about it, I just keep thinking that if I divorce him and he dies, I will never get my fair share. Yet, I am so depressed living in this hell, that anywhere is better than my own home, and I hate waking up every day wishing that today was the day he died.
To top it all off, AH calls me today telling me he was passed over for promotion (drunk at work ALL THE TIME!!!) and his boss asked him if he brings his bad homelife to work (must have been the conversation about drinking). So AH is blaming all his work problems on his bad homelife (we don't even talk at home, unless he tries to start something, then I ignore and walk away). Living w/an A is the absolute hardest thing to do in life and I see no end in sight.
I think I'm the only person who's been at SR for about 2 years that's still w/their A. What's wrong with me????? Thanks for listening to my vent and any ideas you may have on how to get passed this is appreciated.