Thread: Here I go thinking again
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Old 05-10-2008, 05:10 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
butterfly19
"Welcome To The Future..."
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: WV
Posts: 224
First of all Chi, I want to welcome you back again! I'm glad to see you back on here, posting questions, making the rest of us think about our own situations, and most importantly, it is good to see you working towards recovery again!

So you were saying that you don't get high b/c your life is going bad or b/c you are depressed, which are a lot of the excuses that most of us use. Hearing you say that made me wonder something about you: Is it possible that you use or obsess over thinking about using b/c you are a "thrill-seeker"? I may be totally off course, but it got me to thinking about myself as well. What you are doing as far as going about obtaining your DOC is illegal, and sometimes people who are thrill-seekers get a big jolt of adrenaline knowing they got away with something that is potentially dangerous as well as getting away with something big enough to put you in jail.

Now, personally, I've never bought off the streets, but I have done illegal things. I know I used to get such a thrill from stealing my mom's pain pills b/c I could do it practically right under her nose and not get caught. I know it is rather sick of me to do, but such is the mind of an addict. The same thought applies to what I have done as far as obtaining prescriptions. I would get this big surge of euphoria just knowing that I got away with it. However, since I've been on this path to sobriety and am very serious about it this time, I no longer get any of those feelings. For example, I slipped up last week and got into my mom's purse and stole some pain pills. Initially, there was a little excitement over doing it and I couldn't wait to take them. However, when I did take the pills, I had absolutely no good feelings about it at all. I felt extreme guilt, displeasure with my actions, and basically like scum of the earth.

So, I'm thinking that may be a big part of addiction as well: The feeling of being able to get away with something that is morally/ethically WRONG!!! I actually feel fortunate that the thrill is gone and replaced with guilt. I look at it as a positive thing, like I've made a step in the right direction for once. Maybe you can get something similar out of this Trish. I don't know for sure, but I can see some similarities in the reasons we want to use. I know, however, I also have a lot of other, deeper, painful reasons for using, and those are the things I'm trying to work through with therapy.

I know I've rambled on long enough--I tend to get a little wordy when I find an issue that really touches me like your's does Trish. I just want to add that I agree with what the others on here have said about doing volunteer work to make you feel like you are doing something good. It is something I'm going to get involved in myself one of these days!

I commend you for getting back on track with your sobriety as well as your ability to be so honest and forthright about matters that some people prefer to hide behind than reveal. Keep up the great work and the positive attitude! We're going to make it this time around girl! Take care and God bless you sweetie!!!

Love,

butterfly19 (aka "SP")

:ghug2
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