Kyle77

Hey guys,

I figure I might as well come clean. I've been using meth on and off since 2000. Skipping 3 years where I did it only once. Recreationally most of the time. Sometimes to get more work or a certain project complete. I just started again about 5 months ago. AFTER a battle with vicoden and loritab (had bi-lateral carpal tunnel surgery) and online poker that took up a tremendous amount of time I'll never get back with her (yea, I know but I'm a long term winning poker player, WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM?...I though gambling was only a problem if I lost...not so....)

I have spoken with a lawyer and I'm screwed on this deal. No other choice. I have backed out of going to rehab once since I left this first post. I have also used once since. I felt like taking out lots of innocent trees with my car. Not only could I not forget the pain this time, I couldn't go to sleep. So, I had to dwell on it the whole 2 days. Dehydrated, miserable, stomach killing me, out of a job, behind on bills, lost a very nice vehicle that I paid quite alot on etc, beautiful and caring wife, lived in a nice house with a very nice truck, relationship with my mother, best friend that always had my back before I turned into this, and now my daughter...I could go on and on. These last few months have been a nightmare. I do mean that. A complete nightmare. I have dreams some nights that me and my ex wife and my daughter are together and we are holding each other on the sofa while our daughter is playing is playing with her toys in the floor and she looks up and smiles the biggest smile. She looks so happy that we are together again. I wake up and realize that it's a dream. I did this many times on meth. The same dream. I would wake up crying many nights.

Since talking to my lawyer yesterday, I realized first that I may only have supervised visitation for months maybe even years. That might have been the deathblow for me. I already feel extremely guilty for everything and can't stop looking back at what I did. Never thought I would be here but I am. My mother finally talked to me yesterday also and said that everytime she picked up the phone she was worried that someone was going to her that I was dead. That was horrifying.ually shocked that she would be thinking that. I I didn't even realize that I was hurting anyone. I never did and that's scary. Scary enough for me to look at myself. Everything I have touched for awhile has turned to ****. Never dawned on me that I took my problems that were relatively small at one time, and with the help of drugs, turned them into mountains that I have to climb. From scratch, starting all over again. Like a puff of smoke it was gone. I lost a beautiful sweet woman and the most precious beautiful little girl in the world and it's hard right now every freakin minute not to do something to forget it. Reality is kicking my ass now that I'm coming down. I just know that my daughter still loves me and I know it hurts her so bad to see her daddy walking away, wondering where I'm going and why I'm leaving her. She doesn't understand. I've been so numb that I couldn't even see. I had many chances to gain back my ex's trust and shot it full of holes instead. I want to find where in the hell the old me went. I like that guy so much better than this one. I'm going to rehab tommorrow. I'm hoping my father will help me. If not, there are other alternatives to get in. I have to and I'm ready now. Thanks to this board here for the first jolt of reality that got me thinking about it. I came very close to the edge of maybe not coming back and I'm depressed right now but also proud that I'm accepting it and being honest with myself. Ok, I guess I'll check in again 28 days. Everyone take care and thx for the help.