Aysha

So I was thinking all night.
That saying that goes "All you have to do is NOT pick up."
It is the most simplest, truest..yet easier said than done thing in the world.
It is so true!
Just dont pick up!
Sounds easy enough.
So why isnt it?
Especially when ..someone like me doesnt have any reason to.
For example. I never get high because life sucks. Or something is wrong.
I am just bored.....I have money, so why not. And I like the high.
But yet I know what is to follow after I do pick up. It is going to be one big mind F*** and an endless chaotic chase for misery.
HMM..Sounds fun doesnt it.
It never is. So why when I know the outcome. And nothing is wrong with me. Is it so hard to NOT pick up?
And when I do try to fight it. It seems like the thought dont pass. They become obsessive?
Sometimes...Not all the time. Most of the time. When I do any and everything in my power to distract myself. It seems it gets worse instead of better and pass?
I mean.. Just dont go and pick up. Its like the more I try not to. The more sick I feel and want to.
I hate it.
Any thoughts?
Tomorrow is payday. I already know I am NOT going to pick up. I am down to the wire on my car insurance. I also have made sure my day is filled doing somehting with my family through out the day. So I have already sabotaged myself.
But I know it is going to cross my mind. Once my money is gone on paying my insurance and I have to go grocery shopping and give the grams money. Plus Bday cards and stuff liek that. I am going to be broke anyway. I cant get rid of the money fast enough. Then I will most definately feel better. Than I know there is no possibility.
Money sucks. My one and only trigger.
If I could survive being broke the rest of my life I would be cured.
But it doesnt wotk that way.
Well at least I know tomorrow will be one payday I wont be getting high.
And what a relief it is.