kprincio

My husband and I got married about 2 years ago and it has been a very difficult 2 years. My husband's father has been an alcoholic for at least 15 years. Their family has all the traits of an alcoholic family and my husband has all the traits of an ACOA. I have contacted this forum because I just can't handle the pressure anymore of being married to an ACOA. The expectations, the inconsistency, the rollercoaster of emotions, the drama, the irrational behavior, the mis-trust, the emotional abuse and the twisted way of thinking. The environment at home is so unhealthy. I understand that ACOA will be a life long struggle for him but I can't help but wish he could simply be "re-programmed". I always knew that my husband had ACOA but I didn't realize until now just how engrained and hard wired these behaviors are in his life. It affects absolutely every part of his character. Unfortunatly now all I see in him is ACOA. I feel like I've found him out.
The fact is that our relationship does not resemble a healthy marriage in any way. From the day we met, he always said and did the perfect things to make everyone including me believe that he's the "perfect guy" and has a "wonderful life". Shortly after our wedding, I noticed that he "talks a big talk" but doesn't follow through with anything and that he has 2 very different personalities. There's the perfect personality that's presented to our friends and family and there's the absolute monster personality that only I see at home.
We started seeing a marriage counselor about 6 months ago and he also started to see the counselor on his own to discuss ACOA. During these 6 months my husband learned a lot about himself and acknowledged the devastating effects of growing up in an alcoholic family.
I know his recovery will be a lifelong challenge however how can I be expected to stay in this marriage and support my husband when he still cannot control his anger/words and behaviors. At home I have conditioned myself to feel scared of him and walk on eggshells at home. I'm not myself anymore. I have lost contact with all my friends and family because I'm afraid to admit just how bad things are at home.
Lately I've been feeling like the marriage counselor hasn't entirely grasped the depth of my husband's ACOA. My husband spends hours in counseling giving detailed descriptions of events involving me that angered him since the last visit. It seems like the entire session is a time for him to vent about all these things that I do that make him angry. He has expectiations for how he thinks I should act or re-act and of course when I don't meet those expectations, he feels intense anxiety and blows up. It's at these times that he cannot control his words and actions. He raises his voice, says ugly things and harasses me with insults and accusations. There is nothing I can do to calm him down at these times. These episodes usually end with him storming out of the house and driving away in his car for about an hour. I can't help but feel so relieved when he leaves the house. When he returns home I once again feel nervous and sick to my stomach. After reading more and more about ACOA, I realize that his anger comes from a place very deep inside of him and perhaps he needs the help of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Rightnow my husband feels that I've given up on our marriage and that I've already made up my mind to leave. He says he's hopeful that things will get better and that he continues to learn about himself each day. To me, that's kind of like an alcoholic saying "I don't have a drinking problem" or "I promise I'll quit drinking". Why am I expected to trust the judgement of someone who has been trained to ignore obvious problems in his life. I feel like he is ignoring the reality that we have struggled for 2 years and it has only gotten worse. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want him to feel bad about who he is and how he grew up. I don't want to look back one day and wish I had just tried a little harder to make it work. Has anyone else's marriage been destroyed by a spouse's ACOA?