Confused...
So my AH has been staying at his grandmas house for one week.. I have stood my gound this long. He has stopped by the majority of those days to "see the kids" He doesn't even really play with him while he is here. For example, he gets on the computer while the baby is on his lap.. The other day I took the kids to his Grandma's ( she was at home ) So I could go to the grocery store in peace.. I thought this was a way my kids could spend time with him, safely b/c his grandma would babysit him too. And ultimatly I could avoid him coming to our house and him trying to talk to me.. I just need space from him right now.. Well he told me to leave the 5 year old there and take the baby with me.. I guess probably because our daughter is pretty self sufficient, and leaving the 13 month old would mean that he would actually have to get off his a**. Right?!? Well this really hurt me because I thought " how would my poor baby feel if he knew that ?" doesn't he miss him too?? Should I set limits on how often he can see his kids? He says he is clean. I have the knack now of looking at his eyes, or the way he carries himself and knowing if he is using.. We just know, right?. Problem is, you can't smell pills!
He talks about all the wrong things with me, like how he needs to be intimate.. Which of course isn't happening.. But he doesn't get it. Or how he wont let me divorce him, because " he knows that I would meet someone and he would kill them" "he just couldn't handle that".. He says that he is clean, and this is what he is worrying about?.. Not our kids, or our kids growing up without their father .. But about me finding someone else? Which is obviously the last thing on my mind!! I just don't get it.. Is he just immature, or is he so stoned that, these are the things that he actually thinks are important?
I just want to make the right decision.. Seriously he has relapsed again and again again.. Honestly I have lost count! If he is clean now, wonderful. My thinking is, I don't know that if he is sober, how long he will be. I have blinked and my baby is 5. I will blink again and she will be 10.. Part of me thinks I should just run now! She is only 5, and the baby is 1.. Its like gambling, I could run for the hills now, and play it safe so the kids won't remember much. Or wait another 5 years, and my kids will be old enough that it will profoundly effect them in every way, and they will not forget!!! Help!!!!!