Hey Kyle,
You sound like you are pretty deep into some very serious problems in your life. And you sound like you are ready to admit that, but that you are not ready to admit you are the one who got you into this mess. You ask if you are just out of luck. It's not luck, Kyle.
You even kind of blame your ex and your mom for your custody issues saying they have you taped sounding like a maniac. But who do you think made those calls, acting like a maniac? You're ex and your mom are protecting your child and you should let them do so.
I pretended that I never put my children in harm's way when I was drinking. But that was a lie I told myself and that's all. A big lie. It sounds like you are telling yourself a lot of lies right now to cover up the fact that the only thing that matters is that:
you are an addict and you need to get help.
That's the only thing. All the rest of the story needs to get to the back of the line. And here's the thing - you can get better. If you make the decision to do so and you follow the directions of the people who are helping you, you will get better. But you have to follow those directions with your whole heart and soul. Stop believing what your addiction is telling you (ie: your substance of choice is the only thing that can make the pain go away, you are just misunderstood, you lost your job because of someone else's actions, etc).
You can do it. Keep us posted. Now you've got a bunch of people here caring about whether you get help or not. So go do it and let us know.
- MLE