Originally Posted by
anvilhead 
sometimes we put too much blame on the alcoholism.....what i mean is relationships and marriages END every day, for no reason other than it's just not a good fit anymore. people grow and change, hopefully!!! with drinking (or drug use) in the mix, there's an almost automatic BLAME switch....IF he didn't drink none of this would have happened, ALCOHOL ruined my life, etc.......we find ourselves referring to it as the other woman, an entity........when in reality, drinking is just a form of self medicating, a coping mechanism, an escape....used by an individual who would rather get drunk than deal with life on life's terms, one day at a time, and stay focused and committed to their partner..
I agree that sometimes we need to blame something or someone. Xabf kept wondering why all of a sudden I was blaming his drinking as opposed to his actions, but the more I thought about it, and re read through my old texts from 8 months ago, between us, I came to realize my problem with him the whole time was that he was emotionally unavailable and not very good at comforting me or supporting me.
But then again 8 months ago he wasn't drinking *as much* but what I didn't realize was he still was acting very much like a very active alcoholic. Eight months ago I didn't even factor in the booze just his bad behavior, and I now think they both are equally a problem for me, they go hand in hand. I probably couldn't deal with him even if he wasn't an alcoholic. His behavior and values in life lack integrity and he has no respect for himself. Not what I'm looking for in a partner.
My counselor said that when people are not comforted as children they don't know how to comfort someone as an adult. It's foreign to them and it makes them feel uncomfortable. I guess that explains a lot when he would just tell me to "buck up and be strong" when I was sobbing like a baby, and just wanted a hug and to be held. *rolls eyes*