When I was in and out of Recovery, 25 years of hell to be exact, a very wise woman once told me that.

It took me many more years of going back out and almost challenging and daring death to take me. I honestly had wished it would. I was miserable. If I had a way to guarantee that my first serious attempt at suicide would work, I would have been dead years ago. I figured that I would fail at that too. I imagined myself as a vegetable in a nursing home, body unable to move, wearing a diaper, but still having the tapes that played in my mind reminding me what a piece of sh*t I was.

Then I realized, If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes.

I had to humble myself, admit to my family that I had relapsed once again, (come to find out later that they already knew) go into detox, and when I got out, I did 180 + meetings in 90 days. If I could have brought a sleeping bag, I would have. I had to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth. In the past, I knew all the slogans, I didn't need to read How it Works, the 12 Traditions or the Eleven Promises, I had them memorized. (Oh, how impressive I thought I was) But the bottom line, I didn't know the first thing about staying clean and sober.

I got a sponsor and worked the Steps harder than I ever worked anything in my life. My life depended on it. I was actually ready to do my 4th Step. It was time. However, I feared doing my 5th Step with her. I feared that I was that one person who would frighten her off by the things I did, the thoughts I had. Much to my surprise, she simply smiled and told me that she loved me.

I highly encourage you to return to AA/NA, find the peace of mind that I have found. How? Honesty, Open Minded and Willingness

Keep writing your songs. I write stories, poetry, sometimes just my thoughts and feelings scribbled down. It's a great way to express yourself.

God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy