Same here...AH made inappropriate phone calls (and who knows really what else) while drunk....he moved out...we reconciled...he got sober...and did it again. In my head, I made it "better" the first time because I knew he was drunk when it happened. It hurt more when he was sober because I knew he had his "wits" about him when he did it. I'm sorry she betrayed you. You sound just like me when you say you're not the "perfect" spouse. The sad part is that you might be a really great spouse, but you've been living with someone whose expectations are whacked out right now. Your AW's drinking and behavior is NOT about YOU. You DO deserve better than this. I'm slowly figuring that out for myself too.