Hey Goldfish
Welcome to the bowl! No predators here...
I have been faced with a similar situation twice. Once during a dysfunctional marriage between two good people. It collapsed under its' own weight and alcohol was just a contributing factor.
Recently though, I learned that the love of my life was quietly preparing to leave. She could not bear to be witness to what she was seeing. Only the trauma of a DUI 70 days ago brought things to the surface. How can one be thankful for a DUI? Only god understands and is responsible for that.
Ultimatums are terribly difficult for us addicts. They hit us in a place where we are defenseless.
Ultimatums must be processed rationally. Higher brain stuff. We don't function there. We are insane. Our lower brain dominates our behavior. Thus, when given an ultimatum, even when given out of love, our circuits overload and break down. While the ultimatum makes perfect sense to the deliverer, who is being completely rational and acting in their own defense, we are simply unable to process it as such.
Others may have better advice than I for handling this. I see only one resolution. An honest exchange with the man who loves you. Explaining that your behavior has nothing to do with your feelings for him. If you were rational, the choice would be easy and instantaneous. That you don't expect him to UNDERSTAND, and you are glad that he doesn't. Only an addict can. But, you hope that he can ACCEPT it. That is the rational part of love.
And then go about healing yourself as best you can. As if there were no ultimatum. Do not recover for him. Recover for YOU, independent of your relationship. Relationships do not always survive, but you must. Regardless. Doing it for yourself will give you the focus you will desperately need to recover.
Tell him that you have no control over what he does. What he believes, what he expects. It will take all of your energy to submit to your own recovery, which you can control. Tell him that you are working first on becoming lovable. And that you hope that he can love that person. But that you cannot control that.
An ultimatum is external. No matter how well meaning, external forces are no match for addiction. That is the heartbreak of this disease. Our rational loved ones have little choice but to judge us by what we DO. We who are insane however, know that what we do often has little to do with what we feel. Our rational and regulatory brains are disconnected.
Your only chance at recovery must come from inside you. Internal. Only you have the tools and can summon the desire to use them. His ultimatum is a desperate but futile attempt to control the one he loves. He may likely think he is giving you a choice that is an easy test of your love. That's rational. But you know different. This is no test of love. This is life and death for you. And only you can choose to live for life's sake. Only you can decide that living sober is preferable to living with addiction.
My love has given me no ultimatum. Like anything else in life, I simply know the consequences my actions are likely to bring. Drive hammered-get nailed. Duh! We need to get this on our own, Goldfish. This cannot be an attempt to save your love, this must be the process that saves your life.
Peace to you
warren