Boy.. there's a lot there to answer.
First, today my relationship with my mom is great. I love her dearly, always have. She wasn't a cruel person. She was just very unhappy and had difficulty showing affection. I rarely remember hearing the words "I love you" or getting hug from her, but I knew she loved me. Her anger was mostly directed at my dad. She had her good times too, but overall she was a very unhappy lady.
Second, I'm no expert on what does and does not effect children in life. All I know is what I've experienced in my own childhood and by what I've heard of other people's childhoods. As parents we do our best to shield our children from hurt and pain, but reality is children are very perceptive and intuitive. They're like little sponges that soak up everything in their environment, including tension and emotions.
I don't know the answer to your questions Pickle. I just know that there's lots of things I thought I was doing a great job of covering up with my daughter only to have her question me about those things months later. Kids are extremely smart these days. If you have any doubts or questions about that, I'd start reading up on the effects of domestic violence on kids. There's tons of material available on the subject.
(I found this link. I think it has some good information:
http://www.lgcms.com.au/Kids&dv.htm )
Happy: As for Al-Anon... do I think that my mother would have left my dad if she'd gone to the meetings? Not necessarily. She has deep roots in Catholicism, but who knows. I just think she'd have been able to love herself and found happiness within herself instead of letting alcoholism control her life. Happiness has little to do with the other person in your life. It's all inside of you. Sometimes you have dig way deep to find it. (I'm still shoveling here myself.)
Meredith: I admire your strength and love of self. A large percentage of partners of alcoholics devote all their time to taking care of the alcoholic and making sure the rest of the family is okay, with little regard for their own well-being. If you're mostly content with your life as it is, that is fabulous. Only you can determine if and when you need to make any changes.
Peace & Prayers
Heels
[This message has been edited by HellOn2Heels (edited February 26, 2002).]
[This message has been edited by HellOn2Heels (edited February 26, 2002).]