((omm))
Sounds like you have been working hard on taking care of you, your children and trying to focus on the Next Right Thing in your life. Congratulations on those accomplishments - those are wonderful things for you and your family.
I can also understand the thoughts of wanting to reach out to the A, want to contact them and talk to them, etc.
Before I do this, I try to ask myself these questions (maybe this may help you)
What do I hope to gain by contacting __________?
Has _________ shown any signs of changing thier addict behaviors?
Why do I think this time will be different from all the other times?
Am I willing to give up everything I have worked for to go back to the way I lived before?
Why do I believe I have to "try" to make __________ love me and the children?
Don't I deserve respect and dignity so that I don't have to beg __________ to come home to provide financial and emotional support for me?
I know these are not easy questions - they are so very tough for me and I continue with the internal battle for my self-esteem and self-worth that I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
I also know that by allowing giving myself this respect & dignity, I am also showing respect & dignity to the A's in my life. The respect & dignity for them to make their own choices and for me to make mine.
There is no timeframe on healing thru this process - please be gentle with yourself, allow yourself time to heal.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy and Healing,
Rita