Hello and help
Hi, I'm new here. I've been lurking a few days, but I feel the need to share my story now...I apologize for the length of this post, but I really need to get it all out.
About a year ago, I reconnected with an old acquaintance--the younger brother of an old friend of mine. I hit it off with him immediately and a romance quickly developed. We're both about 40. He's got a couple of kids. One with him and one with his ex (different mothers).
He was upfront about his history: substance abuse problems (just about any substance, but crack's what took him down all the way), over 2 years sober (with the help of AA/NA), recent relapse, but working on recovery again. He'd bottomed out on that relapse a few months before I met him and was struggling to come back again--working a program and trying to piece his life back together. He lived about 2 hours away, in a town I used to live in, when we "remet", but had nothing there but his 12-year-old daughter, of whom he has full custody. At the time, she was staying with his mother until he had his life in order.
Since he had little to nothing and no real prospects, I let him come to visit me to look for a job here in my town. He found one quickly. From the beginning, he attended AA, daily, and an NA meeting when he could. I let him stay and work, and a couple of months later, let his daughter come, too. We agreed to take it month by month, not to commit to living together long-term right off the bat. The idea was, if our relationship worked, great--if not, maybe he'd at least have a foothold here to build a new life.
Things were good for about 5 months. We began functioning as a little family. His daughter and I bonded pretty well. She began calling me her "stepmom". He paid 1/2 my bills, participated in family life, and stayed clean and sober.
It wasn't all rosy, of course: He's an addict and his struggle to stay sober was difficult. He had all the "A" traits--irritability, overreaction, bouts of extreme laziness, self-centeredness--but he was trying. I, myself, had no experience with addiction. There was none in my history, family, etc. I consider myself pretty sensible and stable--though certainly not without my own neuroses and problems--and have a firm spiritual foundation. I loved him (still do) and did what I could to support him through the ups and downs, while still taking care of myself. Though I didn't really see the whole picture, and couldn't really know what I was taking on, I tried to be as proactive as possible. Right after he came down, he said that if I was going to be in a relationship with him, I should probably start looking into Al-Anon. I did. I bought books, went to some meetings, and got reading whatever I could find online. Most of what I found had to do with people living with active addiction, so I didn't really relate to a lot of it, but I kept on using the resources. Some of the stuff specific to living with sobriety was helpful, and I figured the rest would be helpful if he ever relapsed. I hoped he wouldn't, of course, but was trying to fully prepare myself for that eventuality.
I'm thankful I did. He is relapsing right now. I've learned over the last 5 months how insidious this disease is and seen the stages of relapse play out. First he got apathetic about his program, making excuses not to go to meetings. Then, it was talking about how he "probably would" relapse. Then, it was "alcohol was never really the problem, so I can have a beer now and then". I guess most of you can guess the rest. He had no drug contacts or buddies here, no exposure to that culture, no exposure to "triggers" other than the ones that are internal to him. But, about a month ago--he disappeared for 6 hours and came home crying. He told me he'd "f@#$ed up". For some reason, unknown even to him, he went seeking. He used coke that night.
We got through that night and there was no more use for a couple of weeks (I know because we went to Florida and he had no way of getting any). However, the week we were back, he cashed a check of his and did it again. He missed work that day, so he got "caught". He, again, was apologetic and said he needed help. I told him I'd drive him to a meeting, treatment, whatever he needed. He said, "tomorrow". It never happened. A few more days with no using went by, then he slipped again. Made it easy to "catch" him again, too. We repeated the scene, once again.
He is asking for my help and says he does NOT want to do this again. He asked me to take his phone and delete certain numbers and received/made calls. His recall is so bad, he figured he would forget the number of the dealer he'd been contacting. He also asked me to spend his most recent day off (which was also his pay day) with him to prevent him from using the opportunity and money to go pick up. I did. I feel these efforts are good signs, but I also know he can't rely on me to keep him under control. I work and have other things to do. Keeping him "under my thumb" is not only impractical, but not a solution and not the way I want to live. He's got to get back in a program or get professional help of some sort. This has to be his responsibility, not mine. I've said that to him and he KNOWS it, but he hasn't taken the steps needed.
I'm not stupid. I know this means he's not ready to stop. I've already set up some boundaries to protect myself (banned him from using my car and changed the PIN code on the debit card), but as long as he's relapsing and in my house I know he might steal from me, bring this crap into the house and/or indulge in other completely unacceptable behaviors. I've already contemplated another boundary in my head, but haven't stated it out loud yet because I am not sure I want to stick to it. Basically, if he slips one more time, I think I will tell him to leave until HE makes the decision to get sober. I don't consider this "giving up" on him. I believe people can and do get sober, even crackheads (he has not used crack YET, thankfully, but I guess that's the next logical step), and he might be one of the ones who can do it. Maybe not, but that's for him to work out. If he can, he is welcome back in my life until the next relapse. If not...well...I will feel much sorrow, but I can't live with active addiction.
If I put him out, though, the only place for him to go is out-of-town. He'll lose his job and other things he's worked for during his 7 months of sobriety. Here's the hard part...If it were just him and me, this would be a simple equation. But, there's this 12-year-old girl here, too, who has spent the last 8 months adjusting to a new life and city and school, making friends, and building a relationship with the first "mom" figure she's had in many, many years. If I send him away, there's no chance he would try to take her with him. He does, at least, have enough sense to know that he can't care for her if using. She is unaware of the drug use, but knows he's relapsed on drinking, and has been terrified I'm going to "throw them out". I've told her I won't make her leave but, if it comes down to it, I don't really have any legal rights to keep her here. Her "real family" could come lay claim to her at any time. I am helpless to protect her stability if he's not here. She has become almost like my daughter, now, and I feel an obligation to her.
She loves her grandmother, and has been in her care previously, but her grandmother and I both have discussed that she needs to be here. The poor woman is 71 and in ill health and can't care for her the way she needs. That leaves it open for her real mother to possibly come in and try to take her back. Her real mother has never been sober, is on disability and had this girl and another child taken away from her because of past behavior.
This is all overwhelming. Thanks for listening and I hope someone has some ESH that will help.