I don't know how to be sad without drinking
I just had a very emotional hour. Someone from our teen years contacted my sister and caught her up on all the gossip. (We've been out of touch for 20 years.) This person informed my sister that the man who took my virginity by rape had died 15 years ago by a drug overdose.
This man had been my boyfriend even though I was 14 and he was 23. He'd gotten a tattoo of me on his full upper body. He had prtected me from many dangers (except himself), introduced me to alcohol and cocaine. He had pushed and shoved me around emotionally and physically. He had belittled me when I didn't please him and he spoiled me when I was appealing to him. He refused to let me shoot heroin even though he did because he said it was bad. (I've thanked God for that ever since I became aware of the consequences of that decision he'd made.)
It was like I was raised by this man (after having very neglectful parents during my earlier years) and at the same time I was so very seriously damaged by him. My beginning drinking years where specifically to numb myself from all the hate and love I felt for him at the same time.
And now here I am crying because he died 15 years ago and I didn't know. I don't even know why I'm crying. I just feel so sad - for him and his own f...ed up life. And for me.
I do want to drink - this would be the perfect time. Wine and loud music. But I know I will not. And God is here and he knows I won't drink today. But I don't know how to be sad without drinking.