I'm "mom". Katydid's mom. She asked me to come and read some posts and read her posts. I found myself writing, in an email, my thoughts as they came up while reading her posts....and rereading her posts.
I've lived with more than one addict. Alcohol and drugs. You all are right on the money, especially you, Anvil. I do appreciate your bluntness cause there's really no other way to be in this situation.
I'm glad Katy was finally able to talk about the elephant in the room. Things in her and and AB's relationship has been going south for some time and I saw it long before she said anything. I knew what it was due to as well but until she felt comfortable talking to me about it I couldn't and wouldn't say anything. She has enough problems without mom in it when she wasn't ready for me to be in it.
Anyway, I'd like to post the thoughts I had...it might help someone else too. And this is going to be a long one.
So please bear with me.
1.) He's going to get clean with or without you there, or stay on the drugs - with or without you there. You're still stuck in the mindset of this having *anything* to do with you. Sadly, it doesn't.
2.) When you talk about that feeling of wanting to leave and go and bust his ass....I know that feeling *very* well. What it came down to for me was knowing that I *knew* he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. And catching him in the act so to speak was going to do what?? You're still looking for excuses to stay, to fight for a relationship that was lost some time ago. And that doesn't make you stupid or blind or anything else. That makes you human and a non-addict. It's difficult to figure out the addictive mind. He is no longer the person you fell in love with and trusted for all this time. That doesn't make *you* any less a person. *You* haven't done *anything* wrong. It makes you as much a victim of his addiction as he is. And whether or not you see this as a choice he can make or an illness, that part really isn't important to the day to day living and what the addiction is doing to *all* of you. You are all victims of the addiction. And the one that's going to suffer the most the longer you stay is your daughter.
This is one of those situations that later on down the road you're going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't. You have to decide which is going to cause the least amount of damage to your daughter in the future: Growing up in a household with an addict for a father? Someone who isn't available to her in any way that matters? As well as teaching her *what* about life? Or....splitting up and raising your daughter without a father and all the emotional stuff that can engender... Do you see it? Either way....she really doesn't have a father. He's not available to her in either situation. No matter what you want him to be to her and for her...that's another thing you cannot control. When she gets older, either way, you're going to catch hell from her. :-) It's the lot of being a parent. The child always knows what you could have done better. But they weren't there dealing with it and trying to make decisions. One day, when she gets older she'll see that you did the best you could and made the best of a bad situtation. You made the best decision for *her* which is what our jobs as parents *is*.
3.) And as I've told you many times, "Show me, don't tell me." Talking about it is just air. If he's going to do it (really wants to do it) he would do *anything* necessary to stop including going to detox and rehab. If you were at all important to his life right now he'd do it. All that matters to him is the drugs. You aren't even in the picture.
4.) Quick fix? No...you're looking for a *fix* period. But this isn't something *you* can fix at all, quick or otherwise. This plays to your control issues. (Being as Katy has already mentioned the sexual abuse I don't feel I'm breaking any confidences in saying that due to that abuse she does have issues about control.)
5.) What you're not seeing yet, is that he left you a long time ago. You don't figure in his life at all. Not on any real level. You have as much control in this situation as a stranger on the street does. Which is none at all. Again, the control thing. That's what's keeping you in this. You're fighting to control what you can't control.
Something you have to consider also...is even if he does quit....you're living with a person who will always be in recovery. There is no cure. And that next pill is only as far away as he wants it to be even after years of not using. As painful as this is you must realise that in some respects you've lost him, period. He could be dead for all the distinction this makes. Do you want to live your life like that? Always waiting for him to relapse? Because I know you...and that's what you'll be living. I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him again. Trust is a major issue for you (again, the result of the abuse). You know this. I don't have to tell you this. You have to balance what you know about yourself with the reality of living with an addict....cause he'll always be an addict no matter if he stops using or not. You have to know what you *can* live with and what you absolutely *cannot* live with.
6.) As for the custody issue, it's a lawyer that told me about filing for custody. If no one has legal custody of your daughter anyone can take her and then file for custody. In theory that is. But that's what the lawyer was trying to get me to understand. I needed to protect you kids before it became an issue. Even though Bob was not you all's father he could still file for custody of all of you. That would be unnecessary trauma for you kids. When someone is pissed off and hurting and looking to get back at you you have to cover your ass in every and any way you can think of. Add to that irrationality of behavior the irrationality of behavior from an addict and you're playing with dynamite.
7.) You're still expecting him to act, react, and respond as the man you knew, as the man you thought you knew. And he's *not*. He's not that man anymore and in that case you don't know him *at* all. And you don't know and can't predict what he'll do or not do in *any* situation.
As far as the law in this situation, and please, *please* talk to a lawyer - don't just take my word for it - you don't have any way of getting him out of the house peacefully. His name is on the deed and by law he's entitled to be there. They can't and won't remove him. The only way to keep him out of the house is to go and file for a protective order or have him busted. For the protective order you're going to have to give reasons, real and concrete reasons, why you fear for your safety and that of your daughter. No matter what the cops might think and feel they still have to follow the letter of the law. And because you aren't married the property you share comes under business property laws, a business partnership (this applies in Virginia). In this situation you could possibly buy him out if he needs money bad enough. Yes, I understand that you've made all the payments. The law doesn't care or see it that way. As a partnership (business partnership) it doesn't matter who paid what. This is the exact same situation I was in and you can blame it on the different localities but the law is the law and they still have to follow it.
If you think he'll do what is best for your daughter you're missing the point by a mile and you really *don't* get it: He doesn't give a rats ass about you *or* the baby. All he cares about is the drugs. He's not capable of anything else.
Don't know how long a post can be here so I'll continue this...