"It's like I don't know how to give up that control. I don't want to be powerless to this. I want to own it and kick it and beat it up and make it do what I want it to do."
Zombiewife,
That is so how I feel sometimes .... if only I was strong enough, I could fix things. I could stop him from using. I could make him better...if only he would listen to me, if only he would do what I tell him, if only he stop lying, if only he would go to meetings, if only.... For me, it just never seems to go the way I want.
It is strange you wrote the thing about you waking up and him not in bed because I had a similar experience today. I had a pretty good day at work and was getting ready to come home. My AH called and sounded funny. I have heard that tone in his voice before and the way he asks the same questions over and over. It usually means he is using. I got so tense so fast. I asked him if he was loaded. He swore he wasn't. I said, well, I will see when I get home and if you are you will wish you hadn't done it. In only that one minute, my entire day and state of mind changed. All the way home, I kept telling myself, if he is high, that's it, that's it. It turns out he wasn't using, but his nervous voice on the phone was a result of him not wanting to tell me he just spent $160 of our mortgage money on prescribed pills that insurance wouldn't cover. And to show how sick I am, I was so relieved about him not being on illegal drugs, that the money didn't bother me too much. Will those little "triggers" ever go away? How long does it take to start trusting again?
Thanks for sharing