staying sober
Hello everyone. I have not been posting lately because I felt like I was going in empty circles. The same story over and over again. It was unfair for many who supported me and were there for me. I felt so disappointed with myself. Now I know that my problem wasnot in getting clean but rather in staying clean. I got used to quitting CT and I can handle the physical wds no matter how bad they were. However, what I couldn’t figure out was how to get past 15 or 30 days sober. I don’t know why abstinence always freaked me out. It is my comfort zone.I have some personal issues which I was masking with pills. Now I need pills to work, be happy or even to socialize. I realized this because when I’m not on Tramadol I would use Klonopin and what ever that I could put my hands on. I’m still abroad and there are no meetings here .I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with pills.I want to live a clean life and face life with all its problems. I don’t want to numb my feelings anymore. I’m feeling as if I have missed a huge part of my life because I can’t remember the details. I thought that by working harder I may forget them gradually but I was wrong. I don’t know if it makes some sense. I want to do it once and for all.