Three
A jerk? No, you seem to have an incredible handle on your feelings. Your justified feelings. Don't know how old you are, but you are no doubt mature beyond your years.
As the recovering addict in my family, my only "suggestion" is to not fear your feelings. If they come out, so be it. Continually pushing them down into your gut can make YOU unhealthy. Your dad doesn't need to be protected. Seriously. He may well benefit from a can of major whupass. What children have to say to us is often far more powerful than what our spouse tells us. It was for me.
I am in no way suggesting that you just "let it out." That is for you to decide. What I am suggesting is that, if you do let it out, regardless of what form it takes, do not regret it. Your feelings are justified. Marriage is a partnership, childhood isn't. A spouse can choose, children can't. You were entitled to something you didn't get.
My grown kids and I are at peace. I have their love and support. I somehow gave them a pretty good childhood. But nowhere near what I could have. They had all the "stuff" they needed (including 4 years of college) but they didn't have all of ME. I had a mistress that came in a sixpack.
I detect nothing irrational in your words. Nothing. Again, as a former principal and teacher, I suggest that in addition to all the "-anons" that you consider your school counseling services. They can be bad but they can also be very good. You might luck out and get some valuable support and understanding. You sound very capable of deciding if it is helpful or not.
You seem to know that no one here can say anything that will cause things to change. But we can listen. We can write of our own experience.
Composing your thoughts can be of help. They can help if and when you confront your Dad. His addiction, you wisely note, is all about HIM, the effects are all about YOU. Acceptance, sympathy, and understanding are far down the road, I think. As long as he is "medicating," he doesn't deserve them. What he needs to feel is the brunt of your well deserved and unmet needs.
Perhaps you are not ready for all this. Nothing wrong with that. Is there a place (relative, friend) where you might seek refuge? A way to get out of the present nightmare? You seem to be quite capable of taking care of business in the right environment. Just a suggestion.
Use the gifts you have to take care of yourself and your mother. Like someone said, there is an elephant in the room that ain't going away on its own, it seems. Together, you and Mom are stronger than you are alone.
warrens