I second Hairgirl's post.
WTH is a black and white?
It can take some time to see your way clear to start recovery. My first hint was when I was doing my DOC just to feel normal. The "fun" was gone. Pretty soon the stern went under then I could barely keep the nose up. But, you are here talking about it, so something must be going on.
Many of us here had to abandon our drugged lifestyles to make the break. I wish it wasnt' like that but it is. To get free of this, you'll prolly have to give power over to someone else and abandon the life you are leading now, on account of it isn't real.