Welcome Three... You have come to the right place. There are many people who are very wise and have learned by experiences similar to your own. You are not alone. I agree that the secret part is not good. Let your Mom know that you know. You need to take care of you and if the two of you are there for each other all the better. Please know that even though it sucks there is a way out and there is a way for you to get better. Keep coming back here, read other posts, find an al-anon or naranon meeting if you can. Feel the emotions you are feeling, but let them give you power to help yourself. Hugs to you!