VT
Please don't take what I say the wrong way. Many people are not used to doing things which they view as "unkind" or hurtful. Many of us were raised to follow the golden rule, especially when it comes to family. It is very difficult to not "rescue" those close to us. I'd give anything to my family.
Dr. Wayne Dyer has said, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." It is changing the way you look at your brother and what you are doing that may be of great value.
You seem to be asking permission to live your lives in the way you have earned. You don't wish to hurt anyone. That is wonderful; all people should be that way.
But are you hurting your brother by your actions? Are you hurting yourself? Not one person in this forum or the other has suggested that you keep doing what you are doing. It is not helping anyone! You may well kill your brother with kindness!
Someone suggested alanon and I will second that. You may need some face to face feedback from people who have been there. Go and share your story. Listen to the feedback. Perhaps start changing the way you look at your brother's situation. How he got there. What the disease is forcing him to do in order to "maintain" his drinking. Is he acting "sanely?" Is he acting morally?
Could you borrow $50 from someone and not pay it back as soon as you could? Wouldn't you forgo whatever pleasure you had to in order to pay it back sooner? No one is saying that your brother is a bad person. We are saying that he is sick. His sickness is forcing him to abandon any semblance of adult character. He does things to others, on a daily basis, that you would never consider doing. If he has any hope for restoring his character, he will have to do it on his own. No one else can do it for him. The more he uses people, the farther he will sink. He knows what he is doing. His guilt and shame keep increasing, forcing him deeper into addiction. As they say, denial isn't just a river in Africa.
Unfortunately, if you remove his "safety net" there is no guarantee of a positive outcome. But you will have given him a chance to restore his dignity, which is a gift more precious than money. No one here has been "enabled" into sobriety. We have done it on our own. We may have had support and some help, but we did the work. His only chance is that he will be forced to do the work. Why don't you just go out and buy his alcohol and pot? Seriously. That would make it even easier for him. If you think about it, that is exactly what you are doing. In the guise of love, you are providing him with the poison that will kill him.
Sorry to sound harsh. You are great people. You deserve to live like you are great people. Godspeed.
warrens