msh58

been about nine months since i was here at this site, looks like 7/31/07 was when i gave up and went out to the alcohol sea for good. Though i'm still considered a functional alcoholic i would guess. Working. Relatives still talk to me. No friends, no intimate relationship.

Reallly glad this very particular forum still exists here, i can't be religious. It's literally dangerous for me to believe in anything that can't be absolutely proved one hundred percent at all times.

i was in trouble then, and its gotten worse of course, that happens when a person is making absolutely no effort towards doing anything about a drinking problem.

guess i'll list the damage, it's bad, but nothing special, lots of people here at this site have done worse and more will i'm sure. But still its mine and i'm not proud of it and would like it to end.

I've been a twelve pack of beer a night and four or five tins of chewing tobacco a day during this time.

I was doing experimental drug studies also, one of the few good opportunities mental illness brings, if a research center is near by, is helping out with the experimental drugs on their way to fda approval. unfortunately I got kicked out of my last study because my liver enzymes were eight times normal and they were really worried about that, not good they explained to me, and then had to kick me out, organ failure is frowned upon. Crushed me not being able to contribute to science in my own small way that i had been doing. Think that had been my higher purpose till then.

I'm around $11,000 in debt from my nicotine habit and psych meds, i live in new york state, $6 a pack or tin for tobacco and i've been four or five a day. Neither job i work is over $9 an hour for me even though i have been working over 50 hours a week all this time. Entry level jobs are all i can handle mentally.

And last week they decided to close the store i work in. april 2nd, gave us two weeks notice. that place is 32 of my work hours. Said they are guaranteeing jobs for all of us somewhere, but not where or how many hours there.

so i've got to clean this up.

I've read everything from rational recovery to AA. Reading everything, even if i remembered it now, isn't enough. i had hoped it would be but didn't work out that way. Long time ago here i mentioned i think i'll need everything, i thought i was joking then but i wasn't.

Anyway i'll be around trying to sober up, hopefully you'll need me some day as much as i need you. Words in the books wasn't enough unfortunately.

thank you for reading.