thanx for the link gravity... i'd say its the video u wanted me to watch. i felt a knot rising n then tears flowed.. as much of this seems similar to what i'm experiencing at this stage of my life... i'm in denial...refusing to identify as an alcoholic. suggestions have been made that i attend an AA meeting. i'm going on the "what the hey.." sort of mentality, i will go to AA n seek the same answers as i do here at SR. its a matter of giving it a go... not that its the place i should be or the treatment for my sobriety. Can u be a fencesitting alcoholic? yeah it all makes sense that i behave this way (like i'm n alki) but i know its not me.