Where to belong...
A newcomer to SR, i search thru threads to learn some more n take in the expriences of others... some of which are helpful to my own realisations.
i believe that i medicate with alcohol (mainly what i consider untreated depression) but i cannot believe i'm an alcoholic altho i sit here with a beer for breakfast. i don't think i'm in denial, i knowly make these choices at cost... as all these things are never resolved there just made more bearable with my medication of choice.
so i have a consistant history of this n got to the stage were there's a physical dependance... this is the problem... i choose to do this YES i'm happy to do this..... but now if i try to stop my medication its like a going cold turkey off a prescribed med. the Issues that remain unresolved but masked by my choice of medicating (like low self esteem) go into overdrive... with no dr's supervision a wk of withdrawls brings me back to 'old ways' of maskin the problems. I can't grasp the concept of medical intervention due to lack of quality. so its taken a long time to find a regular dr to discuss any of these health related issues n seek the help thats obviously needed... on a rant now i go back to the thread title... where to belong... this life i live, i feel its not mine, i'm not really living it. Low self esteem, depression maskin with alcohol, unhealthy relationships, unhealthy habits... its hard to explain... like an AA friend said they never had control of their life until they got sober... yeah i need to sober up... but in metaphoric sense i believe my battle is with depression and self worth... the drinking is an immediate symptom that requires treatment but for long term resolve the issues that caused it need attention. i know i could end up being a sad alki in my old age with nothing but a trail of devastation behind me if i have no varience in the things that cause me this self harm.... or i can try get the headspace of the problem issues right n be able to use alcohol as intended... recreationally. as i battle my 'demons' i read these treads with lil imput coz i don't belong here... i don't even belong to this life.