ChipHazard

I'm new here and hoping to find support, strength, sanity, insight, a safe place to vent and maybe hope...I realize the sanity part isn't going to happen, but a girl can dream, right? hehehe.
Here's my story...
I am a single mom with a precious 8 year old son. His father is an uninvolved alcoholic a*hole whom he sees a few times per year. I have struggled to finish school for the past 5 years and will graduate in May with a teaching degree.
I was happily single for the first 5 years of my son's life. I had no desire to date whatsoever...I guess being with an alcoholic burned me a bit. But I met a wonderful man about 7 years ago and we became friends. He was married with children and I came to love his entire family. He was a pothead and I knew it was a source of stress in his marriage. Oh, and by the way, we were nothing more than friends during his marriage...like I said, I had no desire to date, no interest in any man...him included. Eventually, his wife gave him a final ultimatum...her and the kids or the pot. He took the attitude that he was a pothead when she married him and he wasn't about to change. So, he lost his wife, his home, and became a part-time dad. For pot.
About a year and a half after his divorce, we became more than friends. I had been his sounding board and supported him through his divorce and we just developed a deep connection. I was a little nervous about bringing a man into my son's life, but I thought it would be good for him. "Tad" stopped smoking when we got together...because his ex wife took him to court and he failed a drug test which led to supervised visitation with his kids...it was a rough couple of months as he "got over it." I was there for him, bringing him food and hard candy and anything else he needed. I loved him and hated to see him struggle, but it was all worth it. The sober man I got was my very best friend. I have never loved any man the way I loved him. I have never felt a deeper connection with anyone. His sobriety lasted for about 6 months and then he started smoking again. He felt guilty so he became distant. We didn't see eachother very much, we had nothing to talk about...it was just really hard. My son adores him so I felt that I couldn't let him go. I love his kids and his family...his mom is an amazing woman. I just felt trapped. Then, after smoking for about 3 months, he quit again for a few months, then smoked for a few months, then quit for a couple of months, then smoked for a few months, then quit for two weeks, and has been smoking for several months again. This roller coaster is basically me getting my best friend back, losing him, getting him back, losing him, getting him back, losing him. The adjustment period is so hard, too.
Anyway, I kindof decided that it would be better to just deal with the pot. We don't live together, it's not in my house, it's not my money...although, I always end up buying his groceries...I just thought dealing with his drug use would be easier than hurting my son or losing his family. So, I have basically let him go. We have been in a faux relationship, basically friends with benefits, for a few months. There's no connection, no closeness. I don't feel like I even know who he is.
So, he has decided to quit again. He hasn't smoked in four days and he's been staying here because he can't do it on his own. The thing is, I'm tired. I don't want to do this again. Part of me is screaming, "It's pointless! It's temporary! Get your own damn water!!!" But part of me is saying, he needs help. He's my best friend...when I can fight through the fog to find him, anyway. I am so stuck between supporting him and loving him the way I used to and just letting him do it alone. I don't want to let him back in. I have worked so hard to build up these walls so that he can't hurt me. The stoner hurts me. He says he'll be there and he doesn't show. We make plans and he forgets all about it. He's lazy and selfish and I don't like him. The sober man, on the other hand, is wonderful. He is attentive and loving and completely selfless. He's smart and funny and motivated and I love him. I just don't know if having him back for a minute is worth the pain of letting him go again. Pot is like his mistress. He has been known to leave in the middle of a conversation to go home and smoke pot. He never realizes he's done it. Just suddenly says he's going to go home and get ready for bed...but I know he's going home because his buzz is wearing off and he needs to smoke. He knows the stuff is not welcome at my house.
I'm sorry for the novel, I'm just confused and frustrated and mad and hurt and completely terrified. I don't know what to do.