Paulos, so many of us have been right where you are at. I truly wish you would listen to the experience, strength, and hope that has been shared in each of your threads and come to realize that trying to do this alone has provided you with the same results time and time again. Nothing changes if we don't change. I have said it more than once to you, give yourself a chance try a program of recovery. I have posted the link to the recovery programs list in several of the threads I see no point in posting it again. If you finally get sick enough of being sick and tired refer back to your other threads and you can find it.