I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I would guess that it's a similar struggle that an alcoholic has with alcohol....in a way. It's a craving of sorts. It sounds like you have been through an awful lot of "bad" with him. You're doing so well......do you really want to invite that "bad" part back in to your life?
It takes time to heal from a long term relationship. But you will heal.......do something really nice for you today.
gentle hugs