SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Sexual predators (or predators of any type) in AA.

03-14-2008, 02:56 PM

# 15 (permalink)

nandm

Life the gift of recovery!

Join Date: Aug 2007

Location: Home is where the heart is

Posts: 7,061

Quote:

Originally Posted by bob_sapp

What's my point? There's some messed up, brain dead guys in AA, as well as women who are just as bad. The same as outside of the program. I just feel bad because it seems like women have no chance in the program anymore, and pushing a culture of fear onto them after their very first meeting doesn't seem to do anything to deter them from getting into a relationship early in sobriety (in or out of AA), nor does it help them get into the fellowship or stay sober.

Bob, You have brought up some valid points here. It can also be unhealthy to instill fear of others in people.

From a woman's perspective, I have seen women (and had it happen to me) come into AA and wind up being leered and looked up and down, had crude remarks made about them, and in general harrassed by men who failed to see anything wrong with their sexist behaviors. They failed to see how hurtful it can be to a woman. It makes most women's skin crawl. Unfortunately many women have been raised to be "polite" and accept this behavior as the norm and not show that it bothers them. They don't want to make waves, so they just giggle or smile at it which unfortunately only encourages the behavior as the man thinks "oh, she's smiling at me" or "oh, she thinks I have a good sense of humor, she's laughing." While all the while the woman just wants to crawl under the table and get away. Yes, there are women who prey on men by flirting and playing the little games and IMHO that is just as wrong. AA is not a dating site. It is a place to get sober. Bottom line is that it is extremely difficult for someone to work on a new found sobriety and go through the stress and work that a relationship takes, let alone the stress and pain if that relationship breaks up. That is why people suggest not getting involved in the first year. Yes, there are people who do not abide by that suggestion.

There are many types of predators in the world. There are the sexual predators, the predators that come in to try and get money, there are those just looking for what ever they can take from someone else. Predators can be women or men. Neither sex has a monopoly on the predator thing. What comes to most people's minds though when they think of predators is the male sexual predator.

I have even mistaken someone in sobriety for a sexual predator only to realize that he genuinely was just out to help people get the program of AA and stay sober. My reason for believing he was a predator or "dirty old man" is because he mainly helped women. He would show up early when I was secretaring the meeting and there alone. He also did the same thing for the female secretaries of the other nights meetings. Come to find out he came early because he didn't want a woman to be alone in that neighborhood setting up the meeting. He was actually trying to look out for us. Today I do try to be sure about motives before I consider someone a predator. Yes, I will not hesitate to advise a newcomer, female, to be careful if I know there is currently a predator still lurking in our group. I don't plan on changing that as I do consider it my responsibility as someone else looked out for me when I needed it.

I am confused about your statement "women have not chance in the program anymore." I have met many women who do quite well in AA. Some new to the program some old timers. I met a woman with 50 years sober a few weeks ago. One of the most spiritual people I have ever met is a lady with 40 years in the program.