22
Nothing to add to the replies above. I've been in a similar situation, with divorce impeding on my recovery. It took a long time, but I eventually relapsed. But I'm back and I'm here, and I have a new love and a new life and new things to lose.
I think there is no better "mantra" right now than the Serenity Prayer. We can never control others. It's actually better that way. I would not ever wish to be part of a one way relationship. Where my "control" was the only glue. I would surely abuse alcohol then. My joy, in my relationship, is that M'lady is with me because she WANTS to be with me, not that she HAS to be with me. And I really respect my ex for having the courage to do what, in the end, aided me immensely.
Get help 22, your situation and recent behavior indicate that things may be beyond your capacity to face them alone right now. That's not being weak, that's being human. Get thee to a doctor. Fast.
warrens
warrens