Tib we have all been right where you are at right now.
The 4th & 5th I found were key for me.
I had to find and beleive in a Power greater then myself that I understood.
In order to be humble enough to demonstrate that there was a Power Greater then me, I had to be able to forgive myself for my past because my HP had already forgiven me! Who was I to refuse to forgive myself when a Power far greater then me had already forgiven me?
The 4th & 5th steps are so hard to get started on, we sit there not wanting to write down all the people we had harmed, all of our resentments, all of our defects of character, our fears, etc.
Funny thing, but once I had honestly written all of those horrible things I had done and read them over I came to the realization, that yes I had done some pretty bad stuff, but I was actually not a bad person at all, I even had some decent qualities about me.
Doing that inventory allowed me to see that I had quite a bit of work to do on myself, but not as much as I originally felt I had to do.
The 5th step was no where near as bad as I thought it would be, once I had written it all down I realized that I was not Hitler, I was not a rapist, a pediphile, nor a murderer, sure I had done some pretty bad stuff, but not nearly as bad as I some how made it to be in my head. My sponsor asked me for my deepest darkest secret, I told him and he did not hit me in the face and tell me to leave his house, he did not say "My God how in the hell could you have done that and dare tell me about it?" He just looked at me and said "Thats it?"!!!!
Funny thing, I had been carrying that around with me for 40 years, it was a true burden, but once I told him...... it was gone!!!!
When we finished my 5th step I felt like the wieght of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.
Tib trust me when I say that once you get throught the 4th and 5th with a sponsor all of that shame and guilt will be gone.
Today I have no shame or guilt in saying I am a recovered alcoholic, I had a whole lot of guilt and shame while I was drinking.
Alcoholism is a disease, that is a medical fact, not speculation, nobody wakes up one morning and says "Hey, I think I will drink until I become an alcoholic!"
There is no shame in having a disease, there is shame if you have a disease, know you have it, and do not even try to do something about it if there is something you can do about it.