Oops! I did it again
This whole control thing is much bigger than I realized. Already, with the help of Codependent No More, I am seeing what I have been up to and starting to understand why. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that I was doing what I thought was right and thought was necessary, but I am starting to realize how this has added to my burden and made my AH even less capable than he really is (ouch!)
Since he is not using (at the moment)... trust is still not huge with me.... he is pointing out what I am doing as well. Sometimes it is hard not to get angry, since I still have that "I have had to take responsibility, because where were you??? You didn't care." BUT, then I realize that part of letting go is recognizing that I am and have been doing it all. I guess it will and should feel good to allow him to take responsibility for his life and for decisions...but it is frightening and it is second nature for me to just to what needs to be done.
He thinks that I am doing these things ....taking control, making decisions without his input, etc. because I have something to hide. Or because I want to turn the kids against him. Truly, it is that I am so used to just doing for myself and getting no support from him or that I just have learned to do for myself so that I don't get dissapointed. I do tend to flip-flop on decisions often, I think this is because I know what I want to have happen, but then I am easily influenced or I feel like I need to make everyone else happy or think I have made the right decision. I am not sure where I lost the person in me who could say "this is what I want".
I think I am coming back though. But, when I make a decision that I think is the right one.... and when I am not feeling 100% confident about that... I either agonize over it... "am I doing the right thing" or I feel like I should have gone and gotten input. I need to learn to ask for input when appropriate and then make a decison that feels right for me. If it ends up being a not so good choice, I move from there. Wow this is tough work.
I love having this spot to come and get guidance and just to get it out. Can't go to my therapist every day! Thanks for listening and thanks for all the wonderful thoughts. Have a great day.