RECOGNIZING OUR OPTIONS pp 30-32
Alcoholics act and family members and friends react. Most of the time, we react because we don’t realize we have a choice. It’s automatic. In Al-Anon, we are reminded that we have choices. Just because the alcoholic gets drunk, acts out, fails to meet an obligation, declares that the sky is orange, or makes or breaks a promise, does not mean that those who care about him or her must do what we have always done before. We are not trapped. We have choices.
It’s as if we were holding one end of a rope and an alcoholic grabbed the other end and started to tug. Most of us would react automatically. We would tug back. It never occurs to us that we don’t have to play. If we knew we had options, we might choose to drop the rope. There is no tug-of-war unless both players hold on to their ends. By taking note of what we do in reaction to alcoholic behavior, we can begin to see the choices we are already unconsciously making. Further examination, discussion with other Al-Anon members, and use of the slogans and Steps can help us to discover options we never knew we had. Perhaps we will even decide to drop the rope.
For example, some alcoholics feel guilty about their need to drink and find it much easier to blame the drinking on someone else. Such alcoholics often provoke those around them, trying to start an argument or create a crisis. We who live or work with them tend to react to this provocation, arguing back, defending ourselves against unjust accusations, making accusations of our own. In the end, the alcoholic gets exactly what he or she was looking for: an excuse to drink. Dry or sober alcoholics sometimes use the same tactics to create a diversion so that everyone’s attention will be drawn away from a topic or situation with which they are uncomfortable. Dropping the rope means recognizing the pattern and choosing not to play the same part any more. We notice the provocative behavior, and we notice exactly what we do in response.
Perhaps the alcoholic provokes by accusing us of being lazy, and we react by playing martyr and listing all the things we do for him or her. In response, the alcoholic resents our self-righteous attitude, and we feel unappreciated and sorry for ourselves. The discussion quickly escalates into an argument that almost always ends the same way – with the alcoholic storming out the door to escape at the nearest bar. Once we are clear about the part we play, we can choose to try a different response. For instance, the next time we are accused of laziness, we might decide to not react. Perhaps we will keep quiet or simply change the subject. We might leave the room or busy ourselves with some task. We may take a moment to acknowledge to ourselves that the accusation is not true, and that it is the disease of alcoholism, and not our loved one, that is speaking. Or, knowing that at times we can be lazy, we might even smile pleasantly and agree. There are no right or wrong responses. Many of us find that it doesn’t matter how we break the pattern, only that we do so.
The alcoholic might not take kindly to this change, especially at first. The alcoholic needs a drink and the only way he or she can take one comfortably is by picking a fight. If the drinker’s first efforts fail because we refuse to play our customary role, he or she is likely to try again. If we become condescending or self-righteous about the new role we are choosing to play, or smug about the alcoholic’s failure to provoke us, we defeat ourselves. Not only will our poor attitudes provide just the excuse the alcoholic is looking for, but they will continue to pit us against at disease we simply cannot defeat. We are powerless over another’s alcoholism. If we continue to engage in a losing battle, there will be no end to the frustration and despair that led us to try this new tack in the first place. We seek real change. It is not our goal to be “right”. It is not our goal to “win”. Our goal is to do everything we can to heal ourselves and our relationships. This takes diligence, patience, and above all, practice.
As we become increasingly aware of the dynamics of the family disease, many of us discover that we have performed a particular function in our family or group. Friends and family members play a wide variety of supporting roles in the family disease, all of which attempt to control the uncontrollable disease of alcoholism and to bring order into the unpredictable and often explosive living or working environment. We don’t realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities. Perhaps we find that our role has been to take the blame whenever anything goes wrong, even when we weren’t remotely involved. Others provide comic relief, serving to create a light-hearted distraction from the sorrow of life in an alcoholic home. And some of us provoke, venting our pent-up frustration and resentment, providing the alcoholic with an excuse to drink, and poisoning ourselves with our growing bitterness.
All of these supporting roles work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to pay his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected.