The Family Disease of Alcoholism
The Family Disease of Alcoholism
From How Al Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics pp 27-30
THE PART WE PLAY
Awareness begins by learning about the family disease of alcoholism. Everyone in an alcoholic relationship – friends, co-workers, family members, as well as the alcoholic – plays a part in the dynamics of this disease. In order to make any changes in our circumstances, we must try to discover the part we play.
In general, alcoholics act, and we, who are involved with them, react. The active alcoholic gets drunk, behaves irrationally or irresponsibly, and becomes the center of attention. Those around him or her react to the drinking and its consequences. In a state of intoxication, alcoholics aren’t worried about the problems their actions are creating; instead, those around the alcoholics worry for them. We believe we must take on the responsibility of doing for the alcoholics what they seem unable or unwilling to do for themselves.
In the beginning, many of us are genuinely concerned and merely want to help a relative or friend who is obviously not well. But as time passes and the situation worsens, we cease to recognize that we have a choice in the matter. In fact, the choices available to some of us in the past were quite limited. Those who grew up around alcoholism or dealt with abuse may have felt forced to take certain actions on the alcoholic’s behalf for the sake of our own safety. Eventually, even when no real danger exists, most of us have come to believe that our help is imperative, whether we want to offer it or not. The alcoholic becomes more and more dependent.
After awhile, we can’t imagine allowing the alcoholic to sleep through another day of work without calling in sick, or allowing another bounced check to be ignored. It becomes more desirable to stay home than to risk another public humiliation. And many of us can’t stand the tension of waiting for the consequences of drinking to manifest; we feel compelled to intervene.
Alcoholics act and we react. No one can tell the drinker anything – he or she calls all the shots. Alcohol fosters an exaggerated sense of confidence and well-being, prompting the drinker to act like a little god with all the answers. At the same time the drinker becomes increasingly irrational. In response, we argue, trying to get him or her to see more realistically. It becomes essential to prove we are right. As time passes, we continue to justify our own positions, yet in the face of the alcoholic’s vehemence, we begin to doubt ourselves and our perceptions. If the alcoholic has told us that the drinking is our fault because we are so noisy or so disobedient, we become compulsively quiet or strive for perfect obedience night and day, regardless of the cost to ourselves. In time, the more confident the alcoholic seems, the more insecure we become. We begin to agree even when we know that what is being said is wrong. We do whatever is demanded of us to avoid conflict, knowing that we never seem to win any arguments or convince the alcoholic that we are right. We lose the ability to say “no”.