My husband and I are both in recovery. We didn't know each other in active addiction, though we have shared a lot with each other and understand the particular character defects under the surface that kept us from honest and open relationships.
We use the steps in our relationship with each other and with the world in general. It's second nature now, and although we don't specify to each other what step we're working, it's pretty clear to each of us when the other is taking a personal inventory or making an amends. I'm sure it's confusing for you that your boyfriend is so program-specific when he speaks to you. Can you understand the process? I think so.
Think of steps four through seven as a means of spiritual cleansing. We're looking for guidance towards "right" behavior that supports the values we've developed, and we can only do that by honestly looking at our own part in any difficulties. When we realize we've harmed someone else, it's not enough to just know that. We must try to make it right. Lots of other people who aren't addicts live in this manner without ever needing a structured framework to examine their emotions/thoughts/actions. We do. We're not real smart when it comes to seeing selfishness and self-centeredness.
The best way for you to understand our program is to adopt one for yourself, but I urge you -- do it for you and your own interactions with the world, not merely because you want to mend your relationship and be who he needs for you to be. If you can see that this is a desirable way of living and if you can see that his status as an addict, whether you lived through the active addiction or not, has had an effect on you, the Naranon groups are open to you. In absence of Naranon, many go to Al-anon.
It's not unheard of for some to use a program to avoid involvement in the "normie" world, though I'm not saying that your boyfriend is doing this. I have heard folks say that they cannot understand or be understood by someone who's not "program." In those cases, it's my opinion that they do, in fact, have a lot of step work to do -- because the whole purpose of having a program is to make us fit to carry out out HP's will in all our affairs, not just those within our own recovery community.
Peace & Love,
Sugah