I also struggle with viewing it as a disease. I'm trying. I just haven't gotten there yet. It is probably because I don't have that half of the disease (just the codependent part) that I struggle with not understanding the craving.
I think there's perhaps a two part question here. The disease of alcohlism means that the person is basically allergic to alcohol and can't handle it. That's the disease. The behavior part is something different. I hear your question as being one of wanting the alcoholic to take responsibility for the behavior. Perhaps it's a bit like skin cancer. If I develop skin cancer from my weeks of baking in the sun as a younster, what level of responsibility do I have for my disease?
I try to view it as the alcoholic doesn't get a "get out of jail free card" because he/she has a disease. He/she is still responsible for his/her behavior. Just because my sister has cancer doesn't mean she has a free pass to treat everyone around her poorly. We may be more tolerant of her behavior, or more understanding when she says she's having a bad day, but that doesn't make it right for her to treat those around her poorly. So I try viewing the disease of alcoholism in those terms. Yep, my AH has a disease, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. Nor does having ADHD excuse poor behavior in children.
And maybe I'm way off base. I don't know, just trying to find ways to make this bearable. Thanks for the posting, you've got me thinking about an area that I have been struggling in, and although this has been a bit of a ramble, I'm thinking a bit differently than I had in the past about this.