Thanks Sugarlily, Barbara.
Not quite sure how to use the quote function, but in answer to your thoughtful questions Barbara. I want stability in my life and my relationship. I want to be a relationship in which both are mentally and emotionally committed. I want to be able to trust that my bf will mean what he says and do what he says. I want to stop second guessing, reading between the lines and smelling his breath when he comes in.
What am I getting out of this relationship? I'm not sure but not much except for anxiety at the moment.
Why don't I leave? Afraid of the emptiness of being on my own, afraid of having to admit that the relationship failed and therefore that I failed, afraid that I haven't tried hard enough or given enough, afraid to admit that these last ten years have been wasted. Hopeful that this time will be different. Whether I can face the fact that he may very well choose the booze over me again, I'm not sure.