I still haven't smoked any weed but i'm really feeling down always close to tears.
I'm not at all tempted to get some weed as i'm looking back at smoking with lots of bad and boring memories of what i would do when stoned. But i feel really anxious and guilty, its like im in a bad dream and can't feel positive about anything, will this end?
My days now seem like they begin in hope that they end.
I can't relax watching TV or playing the guitar which i would often do when stoned. Its this horrible feeling in my stomach of a mix of guilt and anxiety which is making everythng so much harder.I know its early but I thought i might have pride in my self if i quit and feel no pride at all in myself. Who am I?, wheres my life going? am i just another down and out is what runs constantly through my head.
Last night i kept waking up every 2 hours from a different nightmare every time, i didn't sleep well at all and woke up in a very bad mood, I feel like the nightmare i had is still effecting me awake.
I'm worried about the next few months and the loneliness i'm gonna face. My friends are all comming back in a couple of weeks for easter from Uni and i'm really looking forward to seeing them but am afraid of quetions like "what have you been up to?"
It hurts even more when they all go back and i'm left with my only friend to see, who is very unsociable and lazy, he enjoys spending his money on things like computers and DVDs so when it comes to going out with him he really lacks conversation and has minimal confidence when talking to strangers, he is a nice person at heart and who i can trust so he is still a mate but going out with him last night really got me down when the reality of my social life smaked me in the face, just me trying to make conversation and when ever i made a joke he would never understand. Why am i not with people like myself? Why is going out with a friend so depressing?. We became mates at school smoking weed and have both now stopped and i think i have realised that might of been all we have in common which has made me even more down.
I'm not feeling good and its starting to worry me alot, shall i kill myself is a constant thought at the moment.
I visited my family today but felt very lonely there, I don't feel welcome, my younger sister said everything possible to upset me about my past because i was sitting in the same room as her while she was watching TV, my parents will never defend any abuse towards me from my brothers and sisters, I love my younger brother more than anything and i always offer help to him with homework, his paperound and any money he might need, i just get told to get lost everytime and have his bedroom door shut on me to let me know.
It really hurt,so i reponded to him telling him its rude to do that to people but it just resulted in my parents comming up and telling me to leave him alone and stop bothering him. I see myself as a waste of space and can't help but feel like a freak, i'm 22 and i have my parents telling me off for bothering my younger brother!, its usually the other way round for any normal person, not me!
I wondering if i am better off with the weed where i would just stay by myself and not bother anyone, it maybe better for me to go back.