Chiynita, what we are dealing with is super sneaky. It already had it's way in your sub-conscious brain. When you let your guards down it gottcha. There are ways to recover, but it takes action. Action for the newcomer is going to a meeting and getting a sponsor. A good sponsor will be able to show you ways to safeguard against future relapses. These programs take time to recover. I did not go through a sudden spiritual awakening, mine came gradually. If you keep coming back your thinking will change(psychic change). Believe me it happens, weather you like it or not. I thought my God wasn't showing me any signs either, I just wasn't receiving them. My sponsor shows me how God is at work, today. You hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!