Tony barrett

Hi I'm new to this site, but its something i really need. I have been a heavy user of cannabis for about 7yrs now but only today decided to try and quit , Its really hard for me to cope with life as i was diagnosed with a Brain tumour at 16yrs old which i luckily came out of well... so i thought.
It was what was to come what destroyed me as i was pulled out of education and became very isolated. Only a month after that i was told my knee had no chance of recovery and is now arthritic, then i was to discover i had epilepsy and cancer from the tumour, being someone who was very fit and had a life devoted to sport meant that a huge part of my life had been taken away from me as well as the effects of isolation through my Brain operation. In the space of jsut 3 months i lost my Nan,routine,social life,confidence and all the things i loved most when it came to enjoyment. Cannabis was my solution to the pure boredom and depression, It really helped pass the time but always had me looking back at the past and wishing and remembering. It really harmed me making my depression so much worst, huge arguments started occurring in the house with the rest of my family, I eventually tried to kill myself swalling about 200 paractemols leaving me in hospital for about 2 weeks. My family had enough of me after 5 yrs of not working and just smoking cannabis everyday, they kicked me out of their house and i was on the street. I managed to get help and i was placed in a ymca bedsit where my use of cannabis increased. I had enough of it all ,life loneliness,hatred of myself and constant suicidal thoughts.
I decided enough is enough and made a brave decision in getting away and went to Ibiza by myself without any knowledge of the place and who was there.
I went there to get away from smoking and feeling lonely and isolated, and i managed to get a job and moved into an apartment with 3 other really nice people.Stupidly i started doing other drugs for the first time eg Ectasy,ketamine,cocaine,LSD,Speed. Because i was having a great time in Ibiza i thought i might of got better, I didnt at all as when i got back i was extremely down and was back in the real world again where i would be on my own for months without a single friend to even call. I started smoking again and when ever i did go out with an old friend i would always want some Cocaine for the occasion. I learnt bad things in Ibiza but i am going back for another 4 months as its what gets me through the boredem, the thoughts of a brighter and better place with a constant social life i so need as i am very sociable with people. I don't do cocaine loads but i wonder about my personality and how addictive i can get to things, as i take alot of what i like eg foods,music etc. When i do Cocaine i am left extremely depressed afterwards feeling worst than ever always wishing i never did drugs, but i can't stop. To me drugs can be my escape from this horrible life i live and find it impossible to improve, i did give it all up for a month but still found myself on my own and with no hope of anything going for me.
I lack self-control alot and am very bitter about my past so its very hard to look on the bright side of life, so why not take drugs? Thats my problem.

I'm thinking all the time about killing myself, I dont know if i'm addicted to cocaine but get very down when on it and always want it if i go out socially, I give up trying to quit Cannabis easily when its so tough trying to get through every boring lonely and depressing day sober. I can't see a future and i am ashamed of who i am and what i'v become, i get anxiety problems where i actually speak aloud my suicidal thoughts, The thought that i can get away back to Ibiza can really help me but there is a massive drug culture out there where its impossible to avoid as its pretty much part of the experience.

I don't know how anyone can help but i really need some.

PS sorry for the boring long discription of my non-exciting life